Wouldn’t you know the kids actually slept through the night last night?  All of them. So did hubby. Me?  Not so much.

11:00 P.M. I go to bed.

12:00 A.M. I’m tossing and turning. My mind is full of projects I want to begin/finish/work on.

12:20 A.M. WTF is that smell? I know we had In’N'Out for dinner but I got D’s without onions. (I may be a doof, but I’m not an idiot)

12:40 A.M. Starting to doze . . .

12:42 A.M. I remember that I did not bring my cell phone (which acts as my alarm clock)  into the bedroom. I tumble out of bed. One step. Two steps –something oozes between my toes. WTF?! Dog shit. IN MY BEDROOM. ON. MY. FOOT. Ewwwww. I try — in an inspired move — to wipe my foot off ON THE CARPET. I realize this is not a good idea when I hit the light and see a huge smear of dog shit from my foot next to the pile of dog shit from the dog — some of which is now ground into the carpet from being stepped on. Ewww, ewww, ewww.

Something you don’t know about me — I do not do well with puke or poop. Just don’t. My poor kids, basically from toddlerhood, have had to clean themselves up because I am too busy gagging and crying.

12:43 A.M. I have hopped into the master bath and am wiping dog shit off my foot with toilet paper. I feel the gag reflex . . . trying to stop it . . . tears are starting . . .

12:44 A.M. I realize the toilet paper thing is not working as well as I had hoped. Hop over to the sink to wash my foot.

12:46 A.M. Still standing on one leg waiting for water to warm up.

12:49 A.M. Foot is clean. Pick up dog shit to flush. Gag reflex back . . . more tears . . . coughing . . . gagging . . .

12:50 A.M. Going to get Nature’s Miracle to clean carpet (if you’ve never tried it — it’s fabulous for removing organic smells & stains). Step in a puddle of pee. Of course I do.

** Just so you don’t think we’re totally gross & dirty — we have a puppy who still pees and shits everywhere is not completely housebroken **

1:03 A.M. Have cleaned up pee puddle and shit stains (including smear made by moi).

1:05 A.M. Climb back into bed.

1:06 A.M. Realize I forgot to get my damned cell phone. Spend several minutes ruminating on wisdom of using cell phone instead of clock as alarm. I use the cell phone because I never know where I’m going to end up sleeping and it’s more portable than the plugged in alarm clock.

1:10 A.M. I remember that I don’t have a freakin’ clue how to set alarm clock. Get out of bed. Get phone.

1:11 A.M.  Back into bed. Giggle — I had been blaming D for the shit smell in the room.

1:13 A.M. Damned dog — shitting IN MY ROOM. Hey, I didn’t see Mose. ::Move feet around bed, kicking D:: He’s not on the bed. Shit. Where is he?  ::back out of bed::

1:15 A.M. Mose is located. Sleeping peacefully on his bed in the living room — where he NEVER sleeps, mind you. He looks up and wags his tail when he sees me. Then covers his eyes with his paws  and goes back to sleep. Well, isn’t that cute.

1:16 A.M. Back to bed. Now I’m wide awake.

2:41 A.M. Starting to doze again . . .

5:55 A.M. Alarm rings. Shit.